Soberly

A (presumably) stray cat has been hanging round our yard and he eats whatever food my cats leave behind or, more frequently, just turn their noses up at. He's been getting bolder (and even more bold) and has taken to shoving my pathetic beasts aside when they haven't even finished their meals yet and then the other day I caught him with one foot just inside the back door.

I've decided things have got out of hand and need to be brought under control. d. suggested putting a few drops of ammonia in a spray bottle filled with water and squirting him with it (his body; not his face, obviously). He has used this method successfully in the past to banish unwanted felines from his domestic space.

I was telling New Girl about it. She felt sorry for the stray, as did I. But then she wisely counselled, "He has to go, haze. You can't get a reputation as a crazy cat lady." She's right. I'd like to think we're all free to live our lives as we choose, but the whole street knows that the old boy next door was a bachelor who lived with his mother until she died. The odour of it hangs around him permanently. Whenever I'm out in my back yard late at night or early in the morning I can hear the strange groaning, moaning noises he makes inside his house. And whenever I hear those noises, I know somewhere in my brain I'm thinking, "That's what happens when you stay a bachelor and live with your mother until she dies. Or if you own too many cats."

I've got some bleach in the cupboard. A few drops of that should do just as well as ammonia.