Hush, baby, hush.

I call Inge de Bruin's on-again-off-again boyfriend Matt Lauer. Why? Because MATT LAUER CAN SUCK IT!!! Plus I need something to put a smile on my face while we're running* because (a) hey, we're running**, and (b) the ins and outs of this on-again-off-again situ defy belief.

Inge tends to take advantage of my breathlessness to chat away about the latest twist and turn in this seemingly endless saga while I stagger along simmering with resentment at both Matt Lauer's latest act of cruelty, and the fact that my own heaving lungs won't let me get a word in edgewise. Without going into the gory details, Matt Lauer has been less than upfront with his family and friends about the fact that he and Inge de Bruin are an item. And have been - on and off, of course - for about three years. Inge's latest demand prior to any future reconciliation is that he be more forthcoming or, as she puts it, "he brings our relationship out of the closet".

I don't know where she came up with that ghastly term but she's my friend and I love her so we're all going to have to live with it.

There we were running along, and Inge repeated about three times, "One of my conditions is that I want our relationship to come out of the closet." Or, imitating being on the phone to Matt Lauer, "I want you to bring our relationship out of the closet now." It seemed that every time she said it, it was devoid of its boyfriend-related context and we'd be passing a group of people that included some rather eligible looking men and I had to fight the desire to go over and explain that she was not talking about us - us? us two? oh no no no - and that I was, in fact, available for discreet fun times if any of them so desired.

[Of course, it only occurs to me now that it was just as well: two women talking about their love life would surely only be a selling point.]

Later as I hobbled behind her into the pub I told her this, thinking she'd be amused. Instead she stopped, looked appalled and, as people streamed past, demanded to know in a voice that was louder than strictly necessary, "hazelblackberry, are you ashamed to be my girlfriend??"

I explained to her that no, of course, in theory I wouldn't be, but the fact is that as a commodity on the open market I had to ensure that I maximised my appeal to my target demographic. (Hey, she started it with all that 'out of the closet' crap.) She seemed unconvinced so I tried to hold her hand over dinner. When she snatched it away I semi-shrieked, "Are you breaking up with me? You told me you'd love me forever!"

I think it was round about that moment she saw my point.



*All references to running should be assumed to be staggering*** if being performed by hazelblackbery.
**See above.
***As in the action. But also astounding to view. In a bad way.