100% Goose Down

New Girl and I were in Ikea - where else - and we'd made it down to the big hall where you drag things off shelves and onto your trolley for the purposes of going home and nervously breaking down thanks to the modern miracle that is an Allen key. We passed a girl wearing skin tight leather - or, hideous thought, leather look - leggings. We exchanged a slightly judgemental glance.

"Well," I said, "let's face it, if I had legs that skinny, I'd be wearing 'em too."

New Girl said, "Oh I'd wear them all right. And I'd hang a big sign around my neck that said, 'Look at my legs. Yes! I'm hungry!!'"

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Since Grumpy and I split up, k. has been nagging me to get a new bed. But I like my bed! It's a sleigh bed! Very well then, she conceded, the only thing she would insist upon would be that I get a new mattress. Apparently it's bad feng shui to have the old mattress. Because, you know, the mattress absorbs all the er... er... vibes of the old relationship.





[Now let's take that thought and bury it deep deep away and never ever make any reference to it again.]





It just so happened that on Saturday Grumpy sallied forth and bought himself a heap of new bedroom furniture. Then on Sunday he started fretting about one of the things he'd bought and wanted me to check it out with him. We went to the shop. We made significant, furniture-related decisions. He pointed out the mattress he'd bought. "You should try it out," he said. Always one for a new experience, I flung myself on the bed. It was at once firm, and yet with a cuddly softness. I didn't even feel it when Grumpy lay down on the other side (with a healthy gap between us).

"H-h-how much is this?" I asked the sales lady. She told me. She told me it came with a 15 year guarantee, free delivery and disposal of your old mattress. I told her that I had a credit card just itching for some more use and abuse.

And I got a mattress protector, people, so no more absorption of vibes!





Shudder.





k. will be pleased to know that I've taken on her advice about creating good feng shui. I wonder if she'd be interested in helping me out with all that bad fin shui I've just saddled myself with?