TA (Not T&A) I, II, III & IV

The Antiquer rang to see if I wanted to join him on a quick burl down to Harvey so he could check out an auction happening down there.

"How long will it take us to get there?" he asked.

"About an hour from my place," I said.

"Yeah. Maybe the way you drive."

The Antiquer must be the only person I know who considers the speed limit to be a strict rule and not an advisory.

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I jumped into the car and he told me all about the auction and a well-head that he wanted to buy.

"But not just the well-head surely? I mean, there will be other stuff you won't be able to help fondling."

"I know. I know. I'm like a junkie."

"And yet you object to being known as The Antiquer."

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Tam O'Shanter was waiting at home to get out for her afternoon run, and we were already late, so I told The Antiquer I'd drive us back in the interests of minimising the discord in his marital abode. As we burled along the highway my phone rang. It was k. I asked The Antiquer to answer it.

"Hello! hazelblackberry's appointment secretary,' he said.

k. was inviting me over for dinner and The Antiquer efficiently relayed messages back and forth until we had settled on a time. When all the arrangements had been made he rung off with a very polite, "Thank you for your call."

His manners are exquisite and his ability to put people at their ease is second-to-none. Maybe I'll hire him on a trial basis and we'll see how we go.

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Then of course I was talking about some crazy fun times with k. and d., and New Girl and Man Hands.

The Antiquer sniffed. "Well, well, you're quite the cosy little salon these days."

He can pop that nose right back into joint. He's had countless invitations from me of late and I've been constantly fobbed. So there.

Then he brightened up and said, "Hey, now that I'm not going to Boston, I'll be able to see Steve Coogan with you."

"Too late, New Girl's bought the tickets. But you can always go with Initials in the Tree."

He gave me a look. He didn't need to say anymore. The Antiquer doesn't like ManDates. They look effeminate. And Initials does make him giggle so. Flapping his hands and laughing coquettishly at everything Initials says might give people the wrong idea. Or the right one.