1979 - Understand: I am nine years old. I stand up at the school assembly. All eyes are on me (let's say 100 kids + parents). My undies fall down around my ankles. Roars of laughter. Picture me just wanting to shrivel up and die.
-----
1981 - Underscored: I am in a running race. All eyes are shared between me and 5 other runners. I am winning! My undies fall down around my ankles. I stop to pull them up amid roars of laughter. I still come third! Nevertheless, picture me wanting to shrivel up and die.
-----
(Bloody Ern took to the single parenting wheeze with aplomb. Except for the bit about ensuring his daughter had appropriately elasticised mongrellies.)
-----
1990 - Buzzkill: I am home from uni and Ern and I are watching Edge of Darkness. Bob Craven is in his daughter's room. She has just been murdered. He is sifting through her belongings. In a draw he finds a vibrator. He caresses it and smells it. Ern and I do not make eye contact. I save the day by jumping up and asking if he wants a cup of tea. Somehow I offer and he answers without either of us screaming and going completely insane from the horror. Picture us both wanting to shrivel up and die.
-----
1993 - Stinkfinger: I am sharing a house with Bungeye and Uberman. All the girls insist on visiting me at my house, not me coming to them. That way they can watch Uberman walking around without his shirt on. Uberman and I often drive into work together in his panel van. I feel funny in a panel van. One day we are stopped in traffic. In the car next to us is a man and a woman. We just happen to be looking at them. The man is a passenger and he hops out of the car onto the median strip. He looks back at the female driver. Her mouth is half open and she runs her tongue along her teeth - lasciviously. He smiles, raises his hand to his nose and slides his index finger under it, inhaling deeply. Uberman turns around and gives me a knowing smile. Picture me just wanting to shrivel up and die.
-----
1998 - Achtung!: I am working for a man who is very gentlemanly and somewhat of a father figure. I am wearing a top made of rather flimsy material. It is cold in the building. I walk into his office. He can't help himself, his eyes momentarily flicker to my chest where my nipples are no doubt standing proudly to attention. Picture me just wanting to shrivel up and die.
-----
2006 - Bubblehead: I am walking out of a colleague's office. I feel a sneeze coming on. I sneeze heartily. I also fart a real ripper. My colleague thinks this is hysterical. I assure you, I just want to shrivel up and die.
3 comments:
Poor Hazel. I think you handled the Edge of Darkness one with aplomb! I am so glad I never watched that movie with my dad.
Sadly, I've never been in a panel van, Uberman's or anyone else's. Did you feel like a surfie chick?
If it's any consolation, when I was 12, I fell flat on my face three quarters of the way through a 200 metre race at the interschool sports. I was near the front until then.
My word verification is "vovemes". I wonder if that is a word to describe what these images are?
Nah.
It's just you, wanting to shrivel up and die. Funny how we all manage to survive these moments, isn't it?
At my work, farting is considered polite.
Post a Comment